2 Ways to Finally Let Go of Your One-Sided Love/ پنجشنبه ها با پريسا - 195

Thursedays with Ms. Parisa - 195

Jourdan Travers LCSW

Hard, Cold Research - Posted July 12, 2023 | Reviewed by Davia Sills

RELATIONSHIPS

Here's how to let go of a person who was never yours to begin with.

KEY POINTS

• Unrequited love can be a painful and obsessive experience that negatively affects mental health.
• People can learn love-regulation techniques to help them get over their one-sided feelings.
• The unrequited crush has long been romanticized, but in practice, it's no substitute for healthy, mutual love.

One of the more unsavory ways to experience love is when it is one-sided. People who find themselves on the wrong side of unrequited love may fixate on ridding themselves of their feelings, saying things like:

• “The harder I try not to think about her, the more I do. I don’t know when this will pass.”
• “I do not want to cut him off, but staying close to him is not doing me any favors either. How do I make peace with this dilemma?”
• “We broke up months ago. Why do I keep contemplating getting back with her? How will I ever be able to move on?”

Cutting off someone you still want to be with can be excruciatingly difficult. A 2013 study delineates three types of unrequited love (chances are that most of us have experienced at least one of them):

• Having a crush on someone unavailable
• Longing for a past lover
• Being in a relationship where the love feels unequal

If you are currently struggling with feelings of unrequited love, here are two things you can do to channel your feelings into a healthier place.

1. Know that Your Feelings Aren’t Entirely Uncontrollable and That Love Regulation Is Possible.

Willing yourself out of an unrequited love scenario can feel impossible and beyond your control. However, research published in PLOS ONE suggests that we can exercise control over our feelings by using certain cognitive and behavioral techniques.

The study refers to this practice as “love regulation”—that is, the use of behavioral or cognitive strategies to change the intensity of your current feelings of romantic love.

While the study spells out strategies for both up- and down-regulation of love, in the case of unrequited love, people could benefit from knowing more about down-regulation techniques, such as:

• Cognitive reappraisal: This strategy involves reframing the situation you are in to change how you feel. You can try focusing on the negative aspects of your beloved or thinking about how time will heal the pain.
• Distraction: Distraction simply involves stimulating yourself with material unrelated to your object of fixation to take the focus off of your current situation and emotional state. Watching TV, listening to music, focusing on school or work or exercising all qualify as distraction techniques.
• Social support: Talking to close friends or family can help you feel better and gain perspective on your complicated romantic feelings.
• Situation selection: This strategy involves avoiding cues and triggers (e.g., pictures, conversations, places, etc.) that remind you of your unrequited love interest. This helps to ensure that your underlying feelings are not unnecessarily brought to the surface.

2. Remind Yourself That Longing Is a Poor Substitute for Consummated Love.

We often see unrequited love romanticized in art, media, and pop culture. The yearning at the core of an unconsummated or purely imagined relationship is portrayed as a phase of bittersweet euphoria.

How true is this narrative? One study revealed a number of findings about the nature of unrequited love, such as:

• Unrequited love relationships are less emotionally intense than equal love in terms of passion, sacrifice, and commitment.
• The only thing people feel more intensely in unrequited love is turmoil.
• Unrequited love is also associated with low self-esteem, low self-confidence, anxiety, and depression.

These findings highlight why unrequited love should not be looked at as “aspirational.” While the persisting feelings you have for someone might take time to process, it’s important to know that romanticizing your suffering can prolong it.

The authors of the study sum this up by stating, “These results suggest that unrequited love is not a good simulation of true romantic love, but an inferior approximation of that ideal.”

Conclusion

Unrequited love can be a painful and, at times, traumatizing experience. But as with any difficult event in your life, being patient with yourself, indulging in quality self-care, and assessing your reality with honesty can help you recover.

About the Author

Jourdan Travers, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker. She received degrees from the University of Maryland and California State University Northridge.

Online: Awake Therapy

source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hard-cold-research/202307/2-ways-to-finally-let-go-of-your-one-sided-love

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Farsi translation:

http://hasanzadeh-mansour.blogfa.com/post/3595

THE RELATED FOLDER IN SHEKOOFEHAYENOW BLOG:

http://hasanzadeh-mansour.blogfa.com/author/parisa

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